How I Long for Seinfeld

My blog entries seem to be going about once-a-week strong. I'd like to write even more, but I think we can all agree that if this pace keeps up, then I will be doing much better than last year. This new rate of postings, however, is admittedly not the result of a new-found motivation for writing; it is just as much a product of the time I spent watching TV in Pati being displaced to other mediums. While I did not veg-out exorbitant amounts last year, I can certainly attribute my recent and genuine interest in politics/current events to having had access to both Al-Jazeera and The BBC on my satellite television. I watched them enough to have both of their musical themes memorized, and I know the names of my favorite shows on each station. This year, however, my only exposure to televised media is through the 12 or 13 channels on Indonesian basic cable. AN-TV, Trans-TV, and Trans-7 are the only stations that I have ever had the slightest interest in sitting in front of and watching straight through an entire program. I highly doubt I will be able to elucidate just how terrible television programming is in this country, but I will try.

Last night I had come home from breaking fast with a new Muslim friend, Era, whom I made ironically at the Liquid Chlorophyl presentation. She's really sharp, and she's the only person I even bothered to try and convince not to be sucked into this down-payment, 4% yield, pyramid scheme. We had a really pleasant time and hung out for close to 3 hours, if not more (which is border-line monumental for me for three main reasons: 1) she is female, 2) this did not happen on vacation, which means I will be able to continue to build a relationship with her, and 3) we actually broke cultural norms and chatted through an entire meal). The only snag is that she doesn't speak any English. So, after straining my brain for the better part of the evening, and only after getting turned around in the rain on my motorcycle and having had to ask three or four street vendors how to get to Setia Budi Street, veging-out in front of the television was really the only thing I wanted to do once I got home.

The only redeeming quality that Trans-TV possesses is the fact that every night there is a line-up of American movies. I've seen quality films such as “Batman Begins,” “In the Line of Fire,” and “Air-Force One” during my time in Indonesia. Despite this however, movies of that sort are somewhat of an anomaly when you consider the type of flicks that are regularly shown. For example, last night I watched the second half of “Boa vs. Python” for the forth time since I've been here.

I was more discouraged than ever and no less mentally exhausted, after having had to endure predictable one-liners and horrible quality CGI, so I decided to wait for the midnight movie. The movies shown at midnight are usually of a slightly higher quality, which unfortunately is pretty disappointing, since I rarely stay up that late. Last night's feature, though, was Oliver Stone's “U-Turn,” possibly the most frustrating movie I've watched since I saw David Lynch's Mulholland Dr. four years ago. I don't know how they get off on juxtaposing a low-budget horror flick with an experimental art-film that caters to the tastes of only a small minority of people in the country in which it was actually intended to be seen – but it's not the first time I've seen this happen on Trans-TV. Ultimately, I forced myself to watch the entire movie, despite the fact that by every commercial break I could only reflect on how badly I wished the main character would just die and the movie would end.

Wishing that programming in this country would just end is regrettably the sole reason why I've only turned my television on four or fives times in the three weeks I've been in Medan. The only actual news I've seen so far was last night at 2 a.m., when “U-Turn” finally ended. And even when watching real news, I can hardly bring myself to pay attention because it's so graphic. When you actually do catch news in this country, it's nothing like our own. Instead of airing a professional shot of the crumbled roof from outside, Indonesian news usually seems to include personally submitted “handycam” footage of someone walking into the destroyed house and video-taping lifeless, legless children.

Everything I've ever seen during the day is either celebrity gossip or an intolerable “Morning Cup of Coffee” kind of show, with more fake laughter in five minutes than I would care to endure in five hours. Prime time sit-coms here are actually what we would label as daytime soap-operas. And thankfully, we don't even have a word in English for Indonesian day-time television. These shows are so horrible that I guarantee I could star in any one of them. I'm not joking, I've considered it, and I may still try.

Cheap laughs are incredibly common as well. Game shows usually include some ridiculous obstacle course with conveyer belts and moving walls, where people are sure to fall and then be shown at least four times in a row in reverse-motion, slow-motion, and fast-motion replay. Commentators with silly voices, such as on “America's Funniest Home Videos” or “The Planet's Funniest Animals” are also overused to the farthest imaginable extent, on any show where a reply could possibly be shown.

If I must have the television switched on, nature shows are what I usually find myself staying tuned into. The apparent demand for 1970s American science programs is simply astonishing. I'm sure I could find at least one subtitled documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman each week. Just as with Trans-TV's choices of films, though, it's not even the out-of-date, science and nature programming that entertains me; it's the choice of programming that generally comes on directly afterwards. I've gone from watching cute panda cubs quarreling over a shoot of bamboo to seeing an interview with a crazy indonesian man, with a 5-inch mustache and a Metallica shirt, talking about his professional horse-fighting ring. I imagine you've probably never seen a dog fight or a chicken fight. Maybe you have. Nevertheless, I bet you can at least imagine how brutal it must be. Now, lets add about 4 feet in height to those dogs and about 600 or 700 pounds of muscle. I promise that unless you ever seen a horse that has been trained to fight other horses, you cannot imagine how horrible it is, especially considering how majestic these animals are and how our culture tends to hold them in such high esteem. Watching Sea Biscuit get the shit beat out of him is pretty traumatizing.